Understanding and accepting what our drug and alcohol use does to those we care about is a fundamnetal part of getting better.
The last few years were the years my cocaine addiction took over. Debt grew larger, job stints shorter, sleep was less and lies grew and grew. I had no idea how to repay my debts so I started doing armed robberies..something I never ever imagined myself doing. I was in a state of helplessness and was unwilling to accept or ask for help from anyone. I was able to stop myself once, twice even three times from doing the armed robberies but my strength was eventually gone thus leading to the robberies. My most recent armed robbery was of a financial institution for which I am now awaiting my sentencing. Once I was picked up by the police I came clean with everything and admitted to everything I had done. Some would say I am dumb for admitting everything but in a strange way I believe I had to, not just for myself but for everyone else in my life. This was the only chance I had at having the weight lifted off my shoulders, stop living a lie and having a second chance at normality. Not only did I come clean to relieve guilt and stress but I also believe had the police not caught me it's a fact that I would still be using drugs and alcohol which would in turn have killed me sooner than later and that is a fact. I was living 2 different lives. I would act normal and pretend like those robberies had never happened. My girlfriend of 18 months had no clue of what I had done prior to our relationship and no idea of the financial institution I had robbed. This was me living my life full of lies. Once all my secrets were on the table and everyone knew everything I had done I figured I would be alone to deal with the repercussions on my own and I was ok with that, I deserved it. I was startled to discover that not only was my family there for support but my girlfriend as well. For them to be there for me helped me realize that my addictions and lies affected more than just myself. I can handle and deal with whatever happens to me I just didn't ever want my family or girlfriend to be hurt because of something I had done. The amount of things these people closest to me have lost and are having to deal with because of my actions makes me sick and I will spend the rest of my life trying my best to make it up to them. That starts with being clean from alcohol and drugs. Some of you may think I'm looking for sympathy and have self-pity but you couldn't be any more wrong. Those are the last things I want or for that matter need. I'm not sharing my story for either of those things, the purpose for this is that maybe one of you who reads this can relate in a small way or maybe some of you have not realized that our addiction and drug abuse affects more than just us users. I regret what I have done not because I will be going to prison but because it wasn't fair to my family, loving girlfriend and victims. They don't deserve this, did nothing to deserve this and what I as an addict have done is take away any innocence they had. I am now a criminal and my parents now have a son that is a criminal, a girlfriend whose boyfriend is a criminal and a brother and sister whose sibling is a criminal. I now no longer have the right to expect anything from any one of them, but what I can expect is for there to be minimal trust and awkwardness. This is all my own doing. Just to name a few ways this addition of mine is affecting and has affected the people around me are: I have stolen thousands of dollars from my parents, I am living in my moms basement while being on electronic monitoring, she or my father must drive me to work and to my AA or NA meetings daily, they need to supervise me daily, they are put in a position to either lie to their friends and family or tell them their son is a criminal if they do not already know. I broke my parents heart and am trying to put the pieces back together slowly. My brother and sister are put in the exact same situation as my parents; lie or admit their brother is a criminal. Also my brother who is dealing with me going to prison now has anger problems which he is curing with binge drinking. The ladies who I robbed I'm sure were scared for their lives and had many sleepless nights. They may be scared forever. I hope one day they forgive me. I won't talk about how this has affected my friends because I've recently realized I didn't have many friends, just acquaintances and that is all. I have decided that now it is quality over quantity when it comes to friends. I can count my true friends on one hand. And last but not least my girlfriend, the most innocent, loving, thoughtful girl I have ever met. She is lying about what I have done for the fear of being told to leave me. We live in a small city and word and gossip spread, she is constantly asked why she stays with me, she cannot do what normal a 20 year old woman should be doing, she cannot even go out for a nice meal or even a movie with her boyfriend. We hang out in my basement. That is just a FEW of the ways my addiction has affected others with many many more ways to share on another date. Obviously looking back at everything that's happened if I could change any of it I would in a second. But the first thing I thing I would change would not be my robberies, the first thing would be not having a proper and normal relationship with my family. They did everything they could to try and have that, I am the one who denied them of it along with my addiction. Don't think I don't regret my robberies because I regret them every day of the week but I know had I had proper relationships in my life and had I not been an addict the likelihood of those crimes happening are greatly diminished. Maybe I got a bit off track with this and rambled on but I just cannot stress enough how it took me hitting rock bottom to realize what I was doing to all the people around me who love me and I'll forever regret it. Some of you reading this are maybe saying you don't have this loving family and girlfriend that you're hurting but you are wrong. Every one of us addicts are hurting someone else while we are using whether we realize it or not.
Getting past a drug or alcohol problem always involves accepting what we have done to others, that is part of breaking the denial. Thanks to this young man for the courage it took to share his story.
